The Love That Matters Most: Finding Yourself After Divorce
Divorce and Devastation
What happens when you hit rock bottom? How do you get through a low point and come out better in the end? So many of us find that after a long relationship or a bad breakup, we no longer know who we are. I was no exception. I came out of my divorce and realized I was so far from the real me and that I had been living as a cut-rate version of myself for a long time. My divorce shined a light on this and totally changed my life and my relationship with myself. What started as a completely devastating experience turned into a journey I couldn’t have even imagined.
The process is difficult, it takes time, but you will rebuild. It’s so important to take the time to get to know you and to allow yourself the space for this difficult and devastating situation to make you better. To find the real, heart-centered, soul-driven version of yourself. She’s in there, I promise.
My Rock Bottom
My own rock bottom wasn’t pretty. I was like a zombie, unable to focus, not engaged at work, I only wanted to sleep. Except I couldn’t sleep and when I did, I had horrible dreams. I drank a lot, didn’t eat, then ate everything in sight, and worst of all, I looked for validation and identity in all the wrong places, continuing to move further and further away from myself. It was a truly depressing time, made worse by the fact that I was withdrawing from everything and everyone that mattered in my life.
I literally sat on a cold, concrete floor in Lowe’s (where I worked at the time). Someone had to pick me up and make excuses to get out of there. I spent time with people (guys, specifically) who were not good for me, emotional manipulators and users. I craved anything that felt comforting, like it belonged to me, and made me feel worthy and wanted. Turns out, I didn’t choose very well in my emotional fog, and those situations continued to push me further and further away from where I wanted (and needed) to be.
The depression was no joke. Waking up every day feeling completely fucked up. Not knowing what day it was or how I was going to get through. My emotions were all over the place, going from excited and relieved to have a fresh start to completely devastated, ashamed, and inconsolable as I was surrounded by so much drama, negativity, and chaos. I left one unhealthy situation only to enter another one.
I coped with sex, alcohol, and going out. Then I coped with food. I gained 40 ish pounds after my divorce. Weight that made me hate myself even more. Weight that’s been hard to lose. Weight that has now taught me a lesson about self-love, but it took a lot of time.
I fought with my dad because he didn’t agree with the divorce and tried so hard to help. I shut out friends and family because I didn’t want to call home only to complain or be negative and truly, I couldn’t get out of my own head to be anything else.
I dealt with online “bullying”, being publicly called a whore, slut, fat, stupid, bad with money, etc. on Twitter by people associated with my ex and with a new “friend” in my life.
My Turning Point
That Twitter moment changed everything for me. I wanted to respond. I had plenty to say about both of them. So much. But for once, I didn’t. I cried for a hot second and then I stopped. I shut it down and didn’t react. I was ashamed and embarrassed, but also in that moment, I realized that what they were saying wasn’t true and that I wasn’t like them. I didn’t need to go down that road or be involved in the drama. I could choose a whole different life and I did. In that moment, I committed to changing the path I was on and getting out of the consuming, dramatic situations. It took some time to make changes in my life, but that moment was pivotal for me.
I was still dealing with depression, and every text, email, or notification sent my anxiety through the roof, but the Twitter mess somehow exposed a light in my darkest time. I knew I was better than that and it was time for me to start acting like it.
I moved out of the apartment I was living in and away from the emotionally manipulative guy. The contact I still had with my ex became more stable and amicable. We eventually ceased contact, but I was so happy it ended that way, instead of through drama, tears, and what could have been a much worse situation. I started making new friends and focused on that and on me for a while. I started working out and stopped drinking nearly as much. I gradually started to rebuild connections with my family and friends back home. The destructive behavior stopped and the healing began.
Finding Yourself After Divorce
It took time, but the life I found once I gave myself the space, time, and freedom to heal was so much better than I could have ever dreamed. I found myself – and not some watered down, just rushing into another relationship version, but this powerful, strong, passionate version of me that I love so much. Like, now I wake up every day (OK, most days – Mondays are still rough LOL) and I KNOW I’m full of magic and purpose and that I’m making a difference and contributing in my world.
It’s crazy the difference “rock bottom” can make. Rebuilding from there allowed me such clarity on what I want, what I won’t accept, and who the real Audry is. The journey to bringing her out of hiding has been so incredible and I wouldn’t change it for the world. I want that for you too. There’s nothing in the world better than knowing yourself so completely and being able to step into your power and own it.
It Takes Time
While I’m in a much better place now and so very grateful for the experiences that got me here, I know that it takes time. So remember, whatever you’re going through…. You are so worthy, you are beautiful, and you deserve to be happy and cared for…most importantly by yourself, but also by the people you choose to let into your life.
I’ve mentioned before how truly life-altering an event like a divorce can be. It can be one of the most difficult times in your life but it also can give you an opportunity to start over, to embrace the real you and bring her out of hiding. To stop hiding and dimming your light.
Finding the Love That Matters Most
I’ll say it again: you are worthy, you are beautiful, and you deserve to be happy and cared for.
You don’t need someone else to survive. What you do need is to love yourself. That can be extra hard in the midst of the upheaval, fights, character attacks, guilt, shame, anger, and hurt and especially when you don’t feel worthy at all. But it’s a lesson worth learning.
Healing is a journey. It takes time. Even though it’s difficult when you’re in the middle of chaos, let your people care about you. Don’t shut your friends and family out.
More importantly, though, don’t shut yourself out. Take the time to learn to love and care for yourself, to figure out what you need, to really allow yourself the time and space to heal from whatever you’re going through.
I’ve created a workbook to help guide you through your healing journey. Click here to download it for free and leave me a comment below to let me know how it helped you heal.
Sending you lots of love and support through your own journey <3